| this is where my heads been at for a while now |
[14 Jun 2009|09:01pm] |
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- watch me sink -
a breaking in spirit, a breaking in promise, a breaking in me
how can i find the peace inside me, in a world i can see....
thats taking and taking all for ourselves, taking and taking
and its dragging me down, deeper and deeper
watch me sink like a stone
in a sea of selfishness,
where me is more and you is less
the vanity, it becomes insanity.
we eat the shit that's fed to us.
we stomach it, and we embellish it,
and we confuse our love with lust.
cant we find another way?
the way that goes against the grain.
Abstain, The Grain.
abstain, abstain, abstain, abstain
THE GRAIN
the ugliness, licentiousness,
the love that is just skin deep
PLEASE GET ME OUT
before i become just a memory of what i used to be
GET ME THE FUCK OUT
we're deaf and blind to a age's cry
we refuse to fucking hear.
not learning to grow, just losing the one
i used to see in the fucking mirror
the egoists, the narcissists
the shallow waters wade in
PLEASE GET ME OUT
before i become just a memory
of what i used to be
GET ME THE FUCK OUT
"of a world thats doing its best, night and day,
to make me everybody else" -e.e. cummings
please take me out...
of a world without any heart
take me out
when they see my hope and rip it apart
take me out
of a world we built to serve our selfish-fucking-selves,
can you tell me
where does love fit in?
remember what love is.
EDIT: this has been 'on my mind' for a bit, but doesnt specifically relate to me and another person. It does generally relate to me, and you, but i meant it as more of a general statement regarding the population. most people simply choose to hate rather than to love because its not cool to love one another.
money and economy are slowly raping our societal morals of its most important values (love, empathy, trust, imagination) and bestowing our own demise through competition, selfishness, doubt, and vanity.
maybe im being hypocritical because, yes, i am there too functioning in this world just as you are, but its time we wake up and 'vote for [a real] change' this time, and inspire a grassroots movement for individuality. not the 'be yourself' adds that media promotes because we all know thats the last thing they actually want, but a change where humanities real values, as one species, can thrive.
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[03 Jun 2009|01:21am] |
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well this is definitely the hardest decision i have ever had to make in my life.
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[28 May 2009|01:24am] |
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mood |
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salvia stoned |
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music |
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beirut |
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i did salvia tonight.
not that any of you critics will care or believe me, but i came to so many realizations about life that i will definitely keep with me forever.
one of the most important experiences ive had in a long time.
yet all the while, theres things i cannot control
all i know is something has to change.
life is long, and it warrants my enjoying it to the fullest.
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[17 Feb 2009|07:06pm] |
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steaks good
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| playin it by ear i guess |
[19 Jan 2009|10:13pm] |
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soooo im workin. my job :/ its not really what i expected to be doing... lots of computer programming and such, but its a field of chemical engineering that i now know i dont want to do... and it also looks good for other jobs. even just learning the environment of a full time office job is a great experience and commuting and all... idk if college is better or worse, it has its ups and downs. i really dont have much time during the week after work since i gotta leave by 8 and i dont get back till 630, and goin to the gym, leaves about an hour to see my baby during the week. but the weekends: fucking sick.
last weekend was a great time. i went up to alexs lakehouse in newhampshire where me and jen and him and his girlfriend and one more couple partied the first night, then woke up and went boarding. i figured id learn to snowboard with jen rather than skiing so she felt left out. i guess cuz of skiing and skateboarding i had a leg up, cuz i picked it up pretty quick and i really like snowboarding, im excited to go again now. just another expensive habit ive picked up haha. i am broke. very broke idk how im gonna get food until i get my check on thursday aha but life is life.
ive been gymmin it lots before work at 5am... and i finally feel like im getting back into good shape. makes such a big difference.
cant wait for some good shows coming up and stuff.
now its time for me to sleep so i can gym it tomorrow
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| break |
[03 Jan 2009|01:13pm] |
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music |
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light grenades |
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the past few days have been amazing.
this whole break has been great, i did everything i wanted and got to see lots of good people.
I got lots of cool stuff to bring back to school and spent actual enjoyable time with my family
I got my wisdom teeth out and im almost fully healed. I was on vicodins for a good portion of the break haha that was fun.
anyway
3 days ago was new years eve, which me and dan had big plans for: I tried shrooms for the first time ever. Greg said it best "Its beautiful"
( Shrooms )
After that, jen got me at the mall and we got ready for dan and ashleys party. It doesnt feel like a new year, but i have a resolution to get back in shape, because this break has got me in possibly the worst shape of my life.
The next day was me and Jens 1 year anniversary! So awesome. We always have great times together and i am still just as in love with her as 1 year ago + some love.
Tomorrow i go back early to boston, im kinda looking forward to it, but im really going to miss the good times at home with everyone. Working is going to be new for sure, but im excited for it.
One shitty thing about work this semester is i have no spring break unless i take off from work and dont get paid, so for 6 months i wont come home much at all. so basically EVERYONE VISIT ME!
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[25 Dec 2008|01:46pm] |
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music |
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lil wayne ded 3 |
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came home Friday... since then hung with my boys and its been real good and relaxing.
got my grades yesterday :] all my hard work paid off because i somehow amazingly brought my average up to EXACTLY a 3.0, now i can keep my scholarship.
Also great news of Jen keeping her loan makes life great for another semester of both of us at Northeastern. I really love her so much. Pretty obsessed ;)
I hope Lisa comes to Boston next year for school, that'd be cool.
Next semester is gonna be awesome working with real free time after work and learning what chemical engineering really is like. Having money will also be cool haha
Today is Christmas and I got family coming over soon. I realized recently that I love my family lots now that I miss them.
I got my wisdom teeth out two days ago so I got chipmunk cheeks but its all good cuz i got Vics. They are nice.
Lookin forward to the rest of the break. should be good.
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[07 Dec 2008|09:18pm] |
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i failed to mention that i got a co-op at a process engineering small company called new england controls. for those of you who dont know what co-op means, ill be working full time (in a job within my major) for 6 months in place of going to school. basically ill have lots of money and REAL free time. i cant wait.
i really am hopin my baby can be here to enjoy it with me :/ if not im gonna miss her tons but we'll still be lovers :)
smoked again this weekend for 1st time in 2 monthsish. its great haha
im doin tons of school work and shit. gotta buy Christmas presents so im savin up, kinda haha.
lookin forward to break though, real soon and it should be great
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[30 Nov 2008|05:35pm] |
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music |
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NEW FUCKING GJ SONG! |
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this break was really enjoyable
i did a good balance of everything i wanted to do.
saw my family lots whom i missed very much, and saw my friends a bunch too. good stuff
i also got to relax enough and prepare myself for these next few weeks of hell school that are approaching. i gotta do well this time of year. god help me
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| cant we find another way? |
[19 Nov 2008|12:35am] |
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welp. idk
undeniably, it seems meek.
i gotta deal for now, but how would you deal?
we are perfect. my life is perfect how it is now.
i hate the man who caused this so much right now. sorry for saying it.
not really sorry about it though.
will i ever be as happy as ive been recently again
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[16 Nov 2008|09:37pm] |
that last entry is just an appreciation for ion dissonance and how they are so good. if you knew the music it means more too.
just a good summation of women and men in extremes.
check out lyrics to O.A.S.D. too if you wanna know how men suck.
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| NIL SOLARIS! |
[16 Nov 2008|03:14am] |
4. She's Strychnine
Like the Snake in Eden, only more slippery & deceitful
You're poison girl!
I could've swallowed you...
Seeking the proximity; to be under your flesh,
Flower of flesh and blood, I wanted to be your blooming
I felt empty the minute you walked away from me...
Right now;
I miss just everything about her,
The fragrance all around her neck,
The way she moves, fuck yeah,
Those tight panties...
I can't wait to strip you down!
You're a monument of aesthetic,
Instead of glorifying (you), I'll re-arrange your pretty smile
An icon to be adorned, you make me sick!
With a rusty cleaver, I'll be the new Da Vinci
Whore, Poisonous, Wine, Strychnine!
You please yourself in the collecting of wrecks of men
Who've fallen under your charms.
Between these luscious legs, a graveyard,
Has became quite a populous Nation
But I simply won't give in,
As I have seen beyond the cruelty of your looks,
Risen from the ashes of my love life,
I aim to see you suffer...
And I desecrate everything that has been given...
To you, as natural weapons, against my will
Weapons that you so skilfully use everyday, you call this justice?
To be the one, that will show you that tomorrow's morning glory is gonna be tainted
And simply won't happen, ever again
As sunrise is no more,
And so are you!
5. Nil :: Solaris
Solaris
Since she left I'm sleepless,
A year passed by since the
"She's Strychnine" (incident,)
I've swallowed it and survived... (apparently)
And now, due to its nature, history repeats itself....... she's gone
Her, the knife that brought an edge to my life
Remember when you use to cry out of pleasure and complete orgasm when we made love?
Tell me!
How could you take Solaris away from me? How?
Why the fuck did you have to go and put us through this?
Pound my dreams in to dust, did I truly deserve this?
Am I that repulsive?
Take away all that I had that was pure and true and give it to an insignificant piece of shit?
How can I possibly have faith for a better future now, you fucking life ruining bitch!
And still you're trying to play as if you had done nothing wrong...
If only I could erase everything we lived together...
No, instead I'm condemened to love you still.
...this is useless...
I could go on forever...
...you are useless...
I will go on forever
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| procrastinating |
[14 Nov 2008|04:25pm] |
just got back from work... i always add an hour to my timesheet
i havent smoked in like a month now... crazy to think
still havent gotten a co-op but soon enough im expecting a call from sooomeone
tomorrow is blacklisted/have heart show... i hope i actually end up going
keepin up an A in almost all my classes... i need to keep that goin
blackin out.
jen is awesome.
so awesome.
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| update |
[28 Oct 2008|11:30pm] |
im so busy, its great
spending as much time with jen as i can and still havin real good times with my buddies
applied to several companies to work with in january and im waiting for interviews
doing well in most of my classes, i need a 3.3 though, so not well enough
havent smoked in 1.5 weeks due to interview drug tests so i still got a few weeks, but its ok
i weigh 150 and put up 205 the other day :)
im goin to sleep now, ive been really sick with a cold lately
my life is becoming a life
on much shittier notes, my neighbor jim at the end of the block: shot in the head at a restaurant last monday.
one kid i worked with/became buddies with this summer who bought a motorcycle (while all his fellow electricians told him it was a bad idea) got hit by an old lady riding it and died.
death is real and happening. ask billy the kid.
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| why |
[15 Oct 2008|10:46am] |
If you're in a judgmental mood don't read this. If you're in the mood for mocking someone, don't read this.
If you're high, definitely read this haha :)
I'm in a good... or is it just reasonable mood. its different though. more indifferent than usual though (words don't make sense, do they).
live life. ya know?
don't let the people around me define me. but let them influence me if it fits my values.
i am affected... but what would life be without outside sources of influence.
so who knows what mood i will be tomorrow: caffeinated, romantic, silly, contemplative, productive, drained, healthy. These are some feelings of late, all influenced by something or someone.
I'm the only one who can decide which of these feelings i want more often, and which are helping best for me. when i do, ill decide what i need in my life.
its all a fucked up web of consequence though, so be careful.
all this conjures up the questions:
am i hypocritical?
are you hypocritical?
probably, and probably. that's life though huh.
as irrelevant as it might be, i made an unmet oath over summer: to record my theories, high or not.
so, in attempt to capture the sense of what i was understanding at my moments of enlightenment, i will describe them here.
Some hold much more value than others haha. and some are just cool to think about.
I'm sure i forgot a few and I'll just record them in future entries.
they go in reverse chronological order by the way haha.
1) All we are relating organization to is the derivative of the balance of water at any given moment. What if the world suddenly became more oblong than it currently is shaped? wouldn't the level of every building be off? look around the room you're in. if it wasn't level, wouldn't it be hard for you to keep it looking nice.
all I'm saying is aesthetics are often based on ratio, and this ratio of levelness seems to be quite important to us.
2) Think of the building you are in, if you are above the first floor (right now I'm on the fifth), most of whats below you is space. Think of looking at the cutout view from the side and how creepy it is what's holding you and everything around you up.
3) kind of in association with the prior entry, when you are walking into the ocean and the water is getting higher, you're actually just walking down a hill. woah.
4) We have 5 senses that help us perceive our entire existence. What if we are missing a '6th sense'. Who's to say we're getting an accurate sensation from our surroundings. what if you had that 6th sense, would the room you're sitting in right now make you extremely uncomfortable.
5) This is kind of Nietzschean, but it involves relativity. I think of this often now haha. Kinda hard to grasp, but everything we think and do is man made. Words - man made. Concepts - man made. Time - man made. What is everything relative to: time.
Therefore, everything in this earth is relative.
This is easiest to see when you're high and doing something and you think "fuck how long have I been doing this for." Well, it's all relative dude!
also, as a test, apart from the 'haha's, this entry has no little red squiggly lines under it, so if you find any grammatical/spelling errors in it outside of capitalization, that means this spell checker isn't as good as we'd hoped.
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| general news |
[11 Oct 2008|05:15pm] |
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so i wanna start updating this more... so i can really remember how great my life was at this age.
this weekend im home and jen couldnt come and i miss her very much already
but we have been having really good times up at school
i love eating dinner with her and spending every day with her
I really am enjoyin partying/blackin out/getting ripped/playing GTA4 every weekend with alex too. im making some good friends in my major too and im actually doing pretty well this semester :]
me and alexs two other roommates are really awesome so far too.
im still workin my easy job at the gym a few hours a week
and im still goin to the gym almost daily.
as for music... lotsa terror and whitechapel and this is hell.
also some cassino and obviously incubus
in january i start my first 6 month paid internship... and in about a week i start to apply for jobs and go on interviews.
today i got a shitload of nice clothes from mom and dad
ive never been so busy in my life, yet ive never been so happy
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[09 Sep 2008|12:03pm] |
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music |
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life in your way |
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Im at school now
i am so happy right now life is amazing.
my apartment is ballin as shit youll see pics on fb soon.
i love jen
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[30 Aug 2008|01:59am] |
thank you so much.
for everything.
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[14 Aug 2008|11:05am] |
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nothing ever ever ever ever fucking works out the way i plan it... i cant wait to go back to school so my parents cant fuck that up
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